The Pressures of Arranged Marriage
In one of our previous articles we discussed the notion of arranged marriages and what it means for certain cultures. This time we’ll be following up by discussing some of the pressures that arranged marriages can entail. Now before I begin, I obviously understand that many people have had arranged marriages and are incredibly happy. But there are a large number of people who have been pressured into getting married due to their culture.
For many women, and on occasion men, who come from cultural backgrounds such as South Asia, African, and South East Asian, it can often entail large amounts of pressure from their respective family members. Some individuals have an unhealthy obsession with getting their child married off as soon as possible. The idea of being “wedlocked” can be seen as confirmation of an individual’s self-worth even if they are self-sufficient, highly accomplished, and educated. Being unmarried can give members of a community the perception that you are a failure, leading to a toxic game of Whispers. Aunties flock towards you like crackheads telling you about a good match they’ve found for you. But when you tell them that you’re not focusing on getting tied down because you want to focus on your career, they look at you like you’ve told them to f*** off. The fact that a person is living a prosperous and happy life without being married? Preposterous, unimaginable, mythical.
This kind of thinking can have a negative impact for those within these cultures. The psychological implications can be that individual will end up feeling so much pressure that they must compromise and put their aspirations and dreams aside. This leads to an array of “I could’ve” or “I would’ve” if they didn’t get married. There’ll always be a voice in your head that reminds you of what you could’ve been and the heights you would’ve reached if you hadn’t given in to the pressure.
The pressure can also often lead to you not even thinking about whether the person your family has found for you is the right fit for you. It has been known within the South Asian community that people will simply accept who their family have chosen for them. Later on, they find they have nothing in common with that person, again leading to “I could’ve” and “I would’ve”.
Essentially, what I am trying to say is that this unhealthy obsession that marriage is the final step towards your life journey is absolute nonsense. There is nothing wrong with the concept and idea of getting an arranged marriage, but the execution needs to consider an individual’s mental and psychological state of mind. Just because you’ve said “no” doesn’t mean your family should be angry, they should instead try to understand why. This need to psychologically manipulate you into getting married for the sake of tradition needs to stop. So many people have ended up going through this route only to regret it and ending up in loveless or sadly even abusive marriages. It is obviously understandable that we wish to please our families but this attitude of not considering an individual’s own choice should be thrown out the window. We must do our upmost to not pressure others into one of the biggest decisions of their lives.
In the weeks to come, we’ll be looking to conduct interviews with individuals regarding arranged marriages in their culture and whether they have faced pressure in relation to marriage. So, stay tuned for posts on the ‘They Did I Can Too’ Instagram page.
Article by Adeel Chaudry